When you have a boy or lord help you more then one boy there are certain awful interesting things that become apart of your life that moms of girls just don’t understand or envy you for.
1. The time your son goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night and misses the toilet. Or he sprays the entire seat. This of course is not noticed until you walk into the bathroom barefoot or sit your bare ass on the seat only to have it covered in pee. There is nothing like having your bottom covered in someone else’s urine to make you wide awake in the middle of the night. First time this happened I walked in to use the restroom after taking my soon for his middle of the night pee (this is something you have to do while teaching your kids not to pee the bed at night.) I came back after tucking him in and decided I needed to use the restroom. Sat down and the unbelievably disgusting wet feeling greeted my ass and I just about puked. Then proceeded to shower and scrub my ass till it was cleaner then anything else in our home (which really isn’t saying much) and went back to bed. You would think that would make me check before I go to the bathroom but trust me it only happens once you forget to check.
2. Your house is never quiet unless they are sleeping. Little boys make more noise then a house of loose cats and dogs. Seriously they do not understand the meaning of quiet time. Monkey man is always running around and screaming and yelling and making fake gun noises. When that isn’t happening he is working hard at getting his 10 billion word limit a day in. I mean really my child doesn’t know the meaning of inside voice. There is no such thing as a quiet whisper every thing is always loud and crazy and fast and loud. Did I say loud? I cant remember over all this loud pretend warfare going on around me.
3. Things are all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Except you know someone is always going to get hurt because little boys are always wrestling and jumping and climbing on everything. From the time he was able to stand, he was able to climb on everything. He was able to climb out of his crib at 9 months old. He climbed the tree in the front yard at 2 years old. He climbs dressers and tables and walls and every possible thing you can think of to climb and even some you would never imagine could be climbed.
4. Anything can become a weapon. Not only will it become a weapon, it will never not be a weapon again. Tampons become rocket launchers, legos are land mines, and wet wads of toilet paper are grenades. Then there are times they are all used together to give you the morning from hell. You think you are sleeping nicely in your bed when all of a sudden you have tampons flying at your face. You jump out of bed into the floor which is covered by lego land mines. You try to chase after him only to feel the wet toilet paper slide down the side of your face and into your shirt. Like I said, weapons. Horrible weapons used to make mothers cry.
5. Penises will be touched. ALL THE TIME! The amount of times a day you have to tell a young boy to keep his hands out of his pants is unbelievable. At the table “get your hands out of your pants and go wash your hands!” At the park “do not stick your hands down your pants you don’t want to get sand down there.” In line at disneyland “there is so much more fun things to touch here then yourself.”
6. You will go through 3 times the amount of soap you would have before having a boy. Between the laundry soap needed to get the mud and dirt out of their cloths and the soap needed to wash their hands constantly, you go through A lot of soap. We have a Costco membership and never leave without buying all different forms of soap.
7. You end up with the weirdest pets. So far just this year we have had many different bugs brought home. We have had a couple lizards, a caterpillar, a frog, and some random other animals. If it is alive and moves it is now a pet. All you can do is sit back and pray they don’t get loose in the house and you don’t find it in say your purse as you are reaching in to get your keys only to feel them crawl across your fingers.
8. Fart noises will always make them laugh. Always. They can be in the middle of a tantrum and if you make a fart noise they laugh until their sides split.
What is the worst experience you have had happen as a mother?