For those of us who are adopted, whether it is into a loving home or not, a birth-mother is the main source of many of our fantasies growing up. Often as children we will sit and wonder who she is, Does she look like me, why couldn’t she keep me? These questions often bring out amazing fantasies that we could dream about for hours.
Maybe my mother is a princess in another land. Maybe she is a mermaid. Maybe she is a famous actress. Maybe she is an amazing hero that was to busy saving the world. To us it is possible you are because there is nothing to prove us wrong. In these fantasies you are always something amazing, something better than what you ever really could be, because to us, mothers (adoptive or birth) are the stars of the show.
As we go into our teen years we often have troubles with our adoptive parents just as any normal teen does. But for us, it is different. We go through a stage of “but your not my real parent” and sometimes we wish there was a way to run away to that fantasy of you. Because to us life that we imagine in our heads with you always would have been perfect.
Sometimes though after months of questioning ourselves about you or listening to to many questions from people who don’t understand, we go into a mind set of questioning why you could ever have left us, why you ever could have given us away. As teens this can sometimes make us hate you. But please remember, we never really do. We just don’t understand the concept of being selfless. Which makes me even more amazed that you were able to be at the same age.
As I grew up and became an adult you came and found me the only way you were able to. Social media became a source you could search and you did find me but I was still to young to know how much I really needed you. I was still hurt from never knowing you. I still wanted to hold onto my fantasy of you. So I did what I had to to keep it and turned you away. I thought I would only hurt the people who raised me if I got to know you. I thought you could only hurt me by telling me what I believed at the time: No one ever wanted me including you.
I knew how much this would hurt you and it killed me, but you see I was to young and to immature to know what I would want. What I would need.
You see, a birth-mother doesn’t raise you. You don’t know them but you would be amazed how much they know you. While nurturing a child does shape them, there is a certain part of nature that only the birthmother can provide.
A birthmother is a part of you that no one can take away. They are apart of you that will always remain no matter the years that pass, the people that come and go, or the mindset you have about them. They are the roots to you as you grow and without knowing those roots are there they make you strong.
You see there are some amazing lessons you taught me without ever knowing you did.
You taught me the true selflessness it takes to be a mother. By giving me to another family to raise you put what I would need ahead of your own wants. You made a choice to have a part of you wandering out there never knowing if you would find it again just so that it would have a chance to grow and thrive and get all I possibly could out of the world. That is a true mother. Putting my needs ahead of your own.
You taught me that family is not about blood but about love. You picked out a family that would love me not because I was a piece of them but because they would love me. This taught me to always look for mutual love in life and not just convenience.
You taught me that it was ok to want more for myself. You decided not to be a mother at 16. You knew it was never good enough for me or for you and you wanted more for us both.
You taught me that the love of a mother never goes away. You spent 19 years waiting and loving me without even knowing me.
You see, a birth-mother is not something us adopted kids forget about. Whether we are little kids, or all grown up you are always there in the back of our mind. We think of you on our birthdays and on mothers days. We dream of what if’s and imagine a different story the the one that we lived.
For us, it is having two mothers. Neither more important than the other. You made us. You gave us a chance at life. You put our needs ahead of yours. You lived a life of pain, worry, and sometimes regret, so that we could have a home with a mother and a father. So that we could have a home with a mom and dad who went to work not school. So that we could have expensive birthday parties and participate in sports teams. So that we could have ballet recitals and pool parties. So that we could go to private schools and amazing vacations. You gave us the life you imagined being able to give us yourself.
To an adopted child, a birth-mother is our first example of what a mother is really supposed to be. Selfless, caring, loving, supporting, strong, wise, but most of all, you are important.