So I want to start off by saying this post is not going to be like a lot of my posts on here that are meant to help moms. I am going to share with you some of the heartache and pain I have been going through because honestly, I need to share it with someone. I have not shared with my family because of the way they reacted to our last pregnancy, they knew about and honestly, I still feel like they do not deserve to know.
We have been trying to have our second child since November of 2013. This means we are part way through two years of trying to be pregnant. While we have succeeded 4 times, all of those pregnancies resulted in a loss. Which has been painful. It is so hard when the only person who knows about all those losses is my husband. I get on Facebook and scroll through my news feed and it is flooded with baby pictures and pregnancy announcements and everywhere I turn it seems like there is a baby. And it hurts. Like really hurts. I feel like I will never have a baby again and that if I do manage to get pregnant again, I will worry the entire time that I am going to lose that baby. So while I crave to be pregnant and see those two pink lines every time I pee on a stick, I fear it as well.
Last year we lost our 4th baby in the end of January, just before my husband was seriously injured at work, and since then I have not been able to get pregnant. My cycles can be anywhere from 30-40 days. We started to go through with getting testing done last year but with everything that has been going on with my husband ad his care we pushed it off. Now I am ready to begin the process again, but have this fear in me that the doctors will say I will never get pregnant. It is such a scary fear because the one thing that I have known my whole life that I wanted to be is a mother. I want to be a mother to my son yes, but I have always wanted more kids. Honestly, I would take as many as God will give me. While I would hope that would not be as large as the Duggar clan I would be more than ok if it was. So the fact that I am about to be 26 and someone might tell me that I can no longer have a baby, that just scares the hell out of me.
So what do I know? Well, I know I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I know that it is somewhat managed. I also know that I am suspected to have Polycystic ovaries. This has been taken care of with metformin. I have been upgraded to the highest dose 750mg twice a day and it is believed that I am still not ovulating.
So this is where I am now. Hoping to get some support from all you amazing followers of mine out there, because honestly, I am scared out of my mind. Scared that I can not get pregnant, Scared that I will get pregnant, and scared that I will lose that baby as well. That is probably the hardest part of this whole infertility journey. The entire thing is just scary. The thought of not having any more children is depressing. While at the same time making me incredibly grateful that I did not do as my family wished me to when I came home pregnant at 19. Because he thought of never having ever become a mother is extremely depressing and horrible to me.
Please leave your encouragement, Well wishes, personal stories, and advice in the comments below.